BTL 1st chapter

I've thought long and hard about this (well a bit at least) and I finally decided to share this with you. Goodness knows I have banged on about BTL often enough and I thought I'd share the first chapter with you all. I don't know why I'm doing this I just am. I just think that I would like at least a few people to read a bit of it before I give up on it.
Hope you enjoy - but please make allowances.

                                                          BTL - Chapter 1

One minute I was fine and the next…well I’m not sure what I’d call it exactly because I’d never felt like it before but I was shaking and I could hardly breathe and all I could think was, Oh my God!  What’s going on? Well to be honest there might have been the odd expletive in there as well but, oh my God! What’s going on? was the gist of it.

Surrounding me was what I can only say was an incredible light. It was like when there’s been heavy snow and your eyes struggle to adjust to the sun shining off it. You know, like when your eyes can’t really focus on anything because everything is so white. It was just like that, except whiter. My eyes instinctively screwed up to protect themselves like they would do on a really sunny day but this light wasn’t like a sunny day, not even a very sunny day. This light physically hurt my eyes.

 I tried to open them a couple of times but it just hurt so much that I was forced to close them again and I was in complete panic.

I was breathing in short little bursts which I took in, held for a bit and then let out in stages. I didn’t know what was going on or what was wrong with my eyes but I knew that I was panicking. I’d never had a panic attack before in my whole life and I couldn’t understand what as making me have one now. I just knew was that I was having one.

But what on earth was that light all about? I asked the question over and over in my head. What is that light? What is that light? What is that light?

I also asked myself why it was so noisy. There was noise all around me. Loud noise like when I’m watching TV at my grand-dad’s house and he hasn’t got his hearing aid in.  People were shouting. Lots of people were shouting and someone even screamed. I wanted to scream myself but couldn’t. It was taking everything I had just to breathe.

Oh my God, what was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I breathe properly? And, why were my teeth chattering?

The answer to all three questions had to be the same. I was scared. No, I was more than scared, I was petrified.

I tried to think.

Somehow I knew that no matter how much it hurt, I would have to open my eyes. It was the logical place to start because I knew that I would never work anything out unless I could see. I thought that rubbing my eyes might help so I gave that a go but it only made things worse. So now, as well as the light, there were circles flickering inside my eyes as if I had a migraine coming on. Ah, I thought, that’s it; I’ve got a migraine forming. It would be worse than any other migraine that I’d ever had before but that was the only explanation that I could think of. Oh great, not only would I have a blinding headache in a minute but I’d have the vomiting later. Yippee!

But that would have to wait. Right now I had other things to worry about. Slowly, a millimetre at a time I forced my eyes open and I blinked them rapidly in some desperate attempt to get them to adjust to the light. They hurt like hell, but I’d managed to get them this far and I wasn’t going to close them again so I forced myself to stop blinking by holding my eyes wide open. My facial expression was probably freakish but I didn’t care and anyway I doubt that anyone even noticed because when my eyes eventually did open properly I was able to see that I wasn’t the only one panicking.

 To the left of me was a woman,

“Help,” she shouted. “Someone help.”

“What’s wrong?” I had to yell because the noise was suddenly deafening.

Apparently I didn’t yell loud enough.

“What’s wrong?” I said again, moving closer and shouting even louder.

But there was still no response so I turned around to look for someone else to ask. There was a man running towards me and I held my hands up in a gesture that made it obvious I wanted him to stop but he didn’t. He just kept on running straight at me and I had to jump out of the way as he passed by.

“Oh well thanks anyway,” I shouted, adding ignorant bugger under my breath.

I looked after him, stood on my tip toes to try and see where and what he was running to that was so important. I couldn’t see a thing. There were too many people in the way. Heads were bobbing up and down all over the place and the bodies were packed too closely together.

I looked around for someone else to ask but everyone seemed too preoccupied to even notice that I was there.

Hang on a minute, where was I anyway? Now that I could see I needed to work out where I was. Maybe then I’d be able to work out what was going on? But why didn’t I know where I was? How could I not know where I was? Oh my God, maybe I’d had a black out. Shit! I knew that I should’ve got those headaches checked out. I’d just dismissed them as nothing but it looked like they might be something after all. Okay so I’d ring the doctor in the morning but right now I had to work out where I was and what was going on.

What was the last thing that I remembered?

I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm down enough to think straight. I remembered being at Mum’s house. We’d popped round to check on her because she said she wasn’t well. She’d looked alright to me though and I was a bit huffed that she hadn’t picked Na……Oh my God!

“Naomi!” the scream almost burst my own eardrums but no-one else seemed to notice it. “Naomi,” I shouted, “where are you?”

I whipped my head around, desperately looking for my little girl.

“Naomi,” I screamed again, “Naomi, where are you?”

But there were so many people around and Naomi was just a little girl. I couldn’t see her anywhere.

“Have you seen my daughter?” I asked anyone who would listen.

But nobody answered me. No-one even noticed me.

But that didn’t stop me asking anyway, “Please, have you seen my daughter?”

Eventually one woman did speak. “God help her,” she said, “she never stood a chance?”

“Who?” I asked. “Who never stood a chance?”

But the woman was looking off into the distance beyond where the crowd had formed and I realised that she had been talking more to herself than to me.

So now I had another question to add to my list. In addition to:

What was the light?

            Where am I?

            And the most important question of all,

            Where’s Naomi?

            I now had,

            Who never stood a chance?

Who never stood a chance? Oh my God no! Please anything but that. Please don’t let it be Naomi.

I may have been panicking before but now I was in overdrive. Thoughts of Naomi and what might have happened to her rushed through my head and there was a nightmare scenario starting to form.

 Was she the reason for the pandemonium?

Had something happened to Naomi? I almost didn’t want to know the answer to that one because part of me knew that the truth might be more than I could bear.

But bear it or not, I had to know. I had to know what everyone was looking at and what had made the colour drain from the faces of the people nearby. I had to know what had made a woman scream in the street in the middle of the day. I had to know the reason but I was terrified of what the answer might be.

I forced myself to take some more deep breaths. I pushed my chest out as I took them in and puffed my cheeks as they came out. I didn’t do this consciously, it was like my body was working on auto-pilot and it did what it needed to keep me functioning.

I knew that the answer, whatever it was, was at the front of the crowd, and for the first time since the whole light thing had happened I was focused. I knew that I had to get to the front of that crowd and I wasn’t worried about who I upset to do it.

Surprisingly though, I didn’t upset anyone. I expected that I would have heard at least the odd grumble as I barged my way through them but no-one said a thing. In fact I met no resistance at all. It felt like everyone was moving out of the way so that I could get through.

 “Naomi,” I shouted again and I heard a sob in my voice, “Naomi, I’m coming.”

And there she was.

Back to Basics

Following on from my post the other day about my head being a bot all over the place and dwelling to much on stuff I'm making a concerted effort to get back to the way that things used to be. And one of the things that I used to do was write. I may not have been very successful (apart from in 2009 or was it 10 when I had a lot of success and thought that there was a chance I could do this) but at least I did it. I did it because I enjoyed it - getting things published and especially getting paid for it was just a bonus.
So I've decided to go back to basics and pretend that I am starting out again which in effect is what I am because it's been that long since I wrote anything of note or had anything published that I can't really call myself a writer anymore. Not that I ever did because - well just because I never did. One of the things that I used to do right back when dinosaurs walked the earth was to post on here my writing intentions for the week so I think I will do that again or at least give it a try. I think it will help me to focus better. I use a "to do" list every day at work so why not a weekly one here? I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure out of ticking things off a list.
One of the things that I need to be aware of this time though is to make the list "achievable" because my writing time is very limited.
The plan is that once a week I will post what I am going to do this week and the following week I reflect on how well (or badly) I have done and post what I'm going to do the next week. This is maybe not the best time to start this as this time next week we'll be away in a cottage in the middle of nowhere without wi-fi (not sure it has running water) so I won't be able to astound you all with my productivity. If I get chance before I go on Sunday I'll try and let you know how things are going
Here goes.
W/C 06/06/2015 I will
1.Type up SS called PP
2. Edit SS called PP
3. Type up SS called HH
4. Edit SS called HH
5. Contact a specialist magazine re a possible article.

Random waffles

I've done a fair bit of procrastinating since my last post - nothing new there then - but I have finally dipped my toe in the water writing wise. I doubt anything will come of it. STOP IT!!! That negative attitude will get me nowhere. But hey what if it doesn't come to anything at least I enjoyed writing it and that's why I started doing it in the first place. I just wish I could stop dwelling on things well "it" as it were.
Anyway, made bread this morning and looking at it I think it may well be my best yet. The proof of the pudding etc. so we shall see once it cools down a bit. Thinking of making apple and cinnamon scones on Monday. I was going to make them today but there is still carrot cake to eat and I hate waste of any kind but especially food. Monday's an extra day off so maybe I'll bake them then.
Think that's all the news from the land of the pink pen so I will bid you adieu.
TTFN

Light bulb moment

I haven't done much of anything recently and I'm not just talking about writing and blogging. There are lots of things including writing and blogging that I want to do but its just not happening and I think I've realised why.
I had a light bulb moment today when I realised that I'm spending so much time worrying that my kidneys are going to fail again that I'm not enjoying the fact that they are working now at least for the moment.
I haven't had dialysis for 4 months now and I've done sod all with it since I got my life back.
That has to change.
I'm going to try and not swell on what might happen.

Idea

I'm sure most of you know that Charles Dicken's novels were originally published as weekly instalments in the newspaper that he wrote for. Well I am not for one second saying that my work is as good as if (I wish) but I thought I might pinch his idea - well sort of anyway because I don't write for a newspaper (again I wish).
I thought I would publish BTL (Oh God no - not that again I hear you cry) in bite sized pieces, maybe on Amazon or similar.
I have spoken to a couple of people about this and they have said that they thought it was a good idea. But they would wouldn't they because they are my friends. You lot are also my friends but I think you can be a bit more objective about it.
I currently have 8 bites finished and they are generally about 12-13k words each.
If I decide to go ahead there are the logistics of it though a) I've never published on Amazon before so I don't know how to do it and b) I thought I'd give the first 2 or 3 away to create interest but after that what would I charge? I'm thinking not a lot because it isn't a large piece of writing.
OKay so these are my wild thoughts and any comments would be greatfully received.

hello

I'm trying to be a better blogger but the truth is that I have absoloutely nothing of interest to tell you so I won't bother. I have been thinking about you though and just wanted to say hello.
Hello

Random writing

I was talking to the person that I refer to as my marketing director earlier and she suggested just writing randomly. She said just start writing and see where it takes you. She reckons it'll get the juices flowing and form a habit if I do it every day. I know she'd right about the habit forming so I'll give the other thing a go sometime.

What I did

I decided to send a couple of queries. One was to a magazine that I have never worked with before and I have to email them an idea and the other was to a magazine that I have  worked with in the past but the editor has changed. The new editor does write lovely emails though. I have to work on something specific and send it to her.
Something to focus on at last.

Thanks for listening.

This could well turn into a bit of a waffle but I'm feeling the need to purge my thoughts.
Remember I started the year off so well? Two submissions and work on the project that I've told my marketing director (JW) that I'll have finished by mid April, well its kind of stalled since then. In fcat, its probably more of a stop than a stall apart from that children's story I worked on last week.
You see, I get filled with self doubts. Am I good enough? Is what I write good enough? Is there a point to it? you know the sort of thing - so I haven't written mainly due to the last question I mentioned. But then I tell myself that unless I write and submit how will I ever know the answers to any of those questions?
And then there's the question of what I write. I have notebooks  full of things that I have written with the pink pen that need to be typed up, edited etc so what do I write first? Do I try a short story or one of the article ideas that I have? Maybe I should just concentrate of the project with JW but then what happens to the rest? My writing time is very limited  due to the day job and the fact that  I do actually want to spend some time with my family so how do I use it best?
I have a couple of hours today because I'm home because of the snow (every cloud etc) so I'm going to use it. But how?
No more questions - I'm just going to go and do something - other than procrastnate that is.
Thanks for listening.

Advice remembered

Many many years ago, I wrote a children's story which while it wasn't taken up by anyone a lovely person at Bodley Head wrote to me telling me what was wrong with it and giving me a bit of advice. I've not really "written" for children since, I mean I made stories up for my children but it was generally done as I was going along and not written down. I started to think about the original story for children recently and thought that I would give it another go. I remembered what the agent said and hopefully done it right this time.
It's not quite finished yet but not far off.

Not my fault.

So I may have got off to a flying start but this week I got a stitch and have been walking. I've done a bit of editing but not much more. I could tell you that it's because I've had a cold but that wouldn't be true. Well it is true I have a cold but it's not stopped me going to work so it wouldn't have stopped me writing either.
No my only excuse is Game of Thrones.
Never watched it before and just said that it wasn't my cup of tea. Husband and sons both all watch it though and so I thought what the hec I'll give it a go, I won't like it. WRONG!!!!
I downloaded the first series which I was able to watch t my leisure only to find out that by the time I'd finished that the other two series were no longer available. Lucky for me Number One Son came to the rescue with the box sets. I only have series 2 at the minute, he's going to get series 3 back off his mate and buy series 4 when it comes out in February. However I feel obliged to watch them as quickly as possible (nothing to do with how much I am enjoying them) so I have spent much of my hour and a bit writing time a day watching those. Poor excuse i know but the only one I've got.

Off and Running

So far I've blogged twice (if you include this one), made two submissions and worked on a project that I've told my Marketing Director (aka as my dear friend JW) that I'll have finished by mid April. And its not even lunch time yet.
However when I've been looking at what's out there already I see that Norah has a couple of things that were sent to her at he end of September and I just wondered what the turn around time was like at the moment. Is there still hope? Like I say its been a while since I did this seriously so I'm a bit of a novice, well I always was but even more so now.

Not a resoloution

This is not a New Years resolution - I gave up making those a long tome ago but in 2015 I do intend to be a better blogger. First of all apologies to those of you that left comments to previous posts because I've not been here for ages and have only just read them.
I'm not going to go over the past two years but I'm sure you'll all appreciate that writing - be it stories, articles or even this blog have not been top of my agenda. Now that I have got my life back and got Christmas out of the way, I hope to change that.
I'm making no promises but that is my intention.
happy New Year everyone
x

A quick update

Just a quickie because its very late and its been one hec of a day but I have to tell you.
I got a call yesterday fro the hospital asking me to go in for a blood test today and as a result of those which showed continued improvement they took my neck line out. The doctor says he can't say how long it will last but he reckons it will be years. He can't be more specific because recovery after this length of time is unusual so he doesn't really have anything to go on.
I am blessed.

Re-birth

I don't quite know how to say this so I'm just going to spit it out.
To cut a very long story short it appears that my kidneys are waking up . I haven't had dialysis for 10 days and after a blood test today I was told that I am off dialysis (for now but fingers crossed for long term) and to come back for another blood test in 2 weeks time. I thought it might be weekly blood tests so that ion itself is a bit of a result.
I feel like I have been re-born.
Happy day.

Every.....

...Ellen needs a George.

Do you want....

.... to meet Ellen and George?

Time frame.

As I said in my last real post on here I'm getting me head down and working on BTL because there is something about it that I can't give up on but the thing is I know that I can't give up everything for this one project. I've spent a long tome on it as it is and I have other things that are a WIP and maybe one of those is "the one." So with that in mind I think I am going to give myself 6 months to get it right and maybe another 3-6 months to find a taker for it. If nothing comes of it then maybe its time to print a copy for myself and call it a day.

Not a sign of madness.

The latest info on my other journey can be found here. Please feel free to have a look because they say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.

Work in progress

I'm trying to get my head down and re-write BTL now that I've found the right voice for my MC. It's proving quite a task, involving a lot of changes but I'm determined to do it but need to accept that it could take a while.
I've said before that there is something about this book that means that I can't give up on it and I'm sure that I can't be the only one that has felt this way about something that they've written. Can I? Please tell me I'm not.

Flying the nest

There will be a couple of short stories winging their way to a certain magazine in the morning. They are two that I wrote recently with the old pink pen and there are several more where they came from. They are still sitting in a note book though so they won't be going anywhere just yet.
I've also finally found the right voice for the main character of my book BTL. I just can't seem to give up on it no matter how I have tried to walk away from it.
Not much of a post I know but there's not been much happening.

A question.

As most of you know I have been out of the short story game for a while but flushed with my recent success (I do realise it was just one download but its a start) over at Alfie Dog Fiction I'm looking to submit some of the stuff that I've been working on recently.

So my question is, is it still okay to submit more than one story to the same place at the same time. I have a couple of stories that I hope Norah might be interested in.

At last

I have several stories on Alfie Dog Fiction and finally one was downloaded. Now I know that its not a lot to get excited about but it made me smile. The story that was downloaded was called last Supper and is a story that would never be published by the usual outlets so I'm really chuffed that someone chose to read it. I just hope that they enjoyed it.

Another one

I wrote another thought about my kidney journey and you can read it here.. I mention it only because I don't want to be talking to myself. That sort of thing is madness.

On a different note one of my short stories was downloaded of t'internet. I know its not much to write home about but its been a while since I had any success and it put a smile on my face. I also mentioned that fact on Facebook, something that I haven't done before because most of my friends don't know that I dabble with writing. Don't know what made me announce it today.

I don't know how well this will work but I have decided to blog about what's happening re my kidney problems. It's not properly set up yet but I have written my first post and its here.

Mis-match

Okay so its been a month since I last blogged. What can I say? I'm a bad blogger but I will try harder.
Had some, I was going to say disappointing news yesterday but its not really. It turns out that Himself and are not compatible blood wise so he can't donate a kidney to me. And while it would have been lovely to come off dialysis sooner rather than later I hated the thought of him putting himself at risk for me. How could I live with myself and his kidney if his side of the operation went wrong?
I think I need to write about how I feel and what its like waiting for the call that could well probably will (hopefully) change your life. Book or blog? Book or blog? Decisions decisions. I just know that when times get tough I find it therapeutic to write.
Please don't think I'm despondent though. I seriously feel better than I have ever felt in my life. I have the love of a very good man and I have two healthy children that I could not be more proud of. I am very lucky.

How long??

Apparently I stated this blog 7 yeas ago. That doesn't seem right somehow - how can it have been so long? I've just had a look back at the sort of thing that I was writing back then in July 2007 and a lot of it is the sort of thing that I write about now. In addition to that drivel, I also had a past of what I'd done (writing wise) that week and another with what I planned to do that week. I was a little horrified to see that I was working on NMBK. What????? That can't be seven years ago. That particular WIP is probably still exactly where it was back then, However what really horrified me was that if I was working on NMBK then, BTL would already have been finished. BTL my baby that I think is really good (naturally) and everyone who read it was going to feel the same way. Might be time to give up on that dream.
Maybe I'll call the last seven years my apprenticeship.

Quick question

Can anyone tell me if Jill at WN is open to submissions at the moment? The reason I ask is that I know she wasn't accepting submissions for a couple of months a while back so I just wanted to check.

Eventually

I've just submitted a short story that I started God knows when but ages ago, found when I was flicking through the WIP folder, finished when I was on dialysis and edited when I was on "the sick." I'm glad its finished and gone because I really like it so fingers crossed in fact everything crossed.

Help please

I was reading through a couple of blogs this morning, you know, catching up with what's been going on, making the odd comment or two, and I fear that I have pressed something that I didn't mean to. As a consequence I now cannot see posts from the blogs that I follow on my dashboard. Does anybody know what I have done or what I can do to correct it.

Now or never

Some of you may already know this but for those of you that don't, I have spent a good chunk of the last month in hospital. The first time was just a couple of days for a couple of planned procedures. This was shortly followed by just over a week when both sites became infected and I was running a temperature of 40.8 then when I got over that one of the sites ruptured (fistula) and I had an arterial bleed all over the kitchen. That meant surgery that day to tie off the fistula and another stay in hospital until the surgeons were happy with it.

The reason that I am telling you this is that this last thing, the arterial bleed, scared me. Never during the whole of the last year, not even when I was in critical care, I have ever thought that I wouldn't get through this thing. But that Sunday, first of all in the ambulance going to hospital and then while I was waiting to go to theatre I was scared, really scared. I don't mind admitting that I was very relieved to wake up afterwards.

To get to the point though, and there always is a point I just sometimes tale my time getting there, it occurred to me that I have to do this thing now ....or never as the title says. I've dabbled with this writing thing for a long time but to be honest I haven't done it with any real enthusiasm for a few years. No enthusiasm isn't the right word (but its said so it stays), effort is probably a better one. I haven't put he effort in. I haven't written enough, I haven't submitted enough etc. etc.

That has to change and recently it has to a certain extent. The pink pen has been out and had written maybe half a dozen short stories and last week I rediscovered my love of current novel NRIMH which I haven't looked at for a long time and I added about 10,000 words to that. All of these are at the first draft stage and need working on but its more than I've done in ages.

I don't expect to become a millionaire from writing, I never did, but its the pleasure that I get from getting work accepted and published that gives me a buzz and if I'm going to do it I have to do it now because what was it Ronan Keating said about tomorrow never coming? Well one of these days it won't and then it'll be too late. Now is the time to get serious.

One final thing I should mention though is that I am fine. I am currently off work sick and have been for 3 weeks but I would have been off this week and next anyway as I had holidays booked. Other than the two open wounds I have at he two surgery sites I'm as good as I was 6 weeks ago. These need to be repacked a couple of times a week but seem to be healing nicely. Oh and one last thing, hopefully I'll be going on the transplant list in about 8 weeks time.

False alarm

This week the post man delivered an envelope that I had addressed. Oh no, the dreaded SAE - it could only mean one thing - a returned submission. But hang on, the envelope was thin like it I=only had one sheet of paper in it. Maybe it was an acceptance.
However, when I opened the envelope there was the standard rejection letter and the cover sheet from the story that I had sent them. It was a magazine that I've never been accepted by before and for  a couple of seconds I thought that I'd finally got my foot in the door, Sadly it was only a false alarm.

What a year

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my time on dialysis and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not happy about having to go to hospital three evenings a week even if I have made a lot of new friends amongst my fellow patients, but I am happy to be alive. so given the alternative I guess I'm happy to be on dialysis though naturally I'd rather not be. Does that make sense?
Oddly enough my hair which started to grow curly following my chemotherapy somehow doesn't seem quite so curly tonight which is a bit weird.
As I'm sitting here tonight, just me and my thoughts, I can't help wondering what the next year will bring.

A little more info

A few of my blog land friends have shown interest in my reading project and after a comment from Teresa it occurred to me that I should have given you a bit more info about BTL.
Its 70,000 words long and is aimed at anyone who enjoyed the stories behind Ghost and Dead Like Me.
I thought I'd better mention it in case anyone wants to withdraw their offer. There's still time of anyone else wants to throw their hat into the ring.

Minor success

This happened a few weeks ago but I forgot to mention it.
After my recent lack of success on the writing front I decided to go back to basics so I wrote a couple of letters and sent them to magazines. I was reading one of said magazines a few weeks ago when low and behold there was a letter from me.
Okay so I know its not much but it made me smile.

An invitation

As some of you already know it is my theory that this is a conversation between friends and therefore once something has been said it can't be unsaid. By that I mean that whatever I write is what you get, unedited warts and all. However as I write this I'm thinking that I may for the first time break my own rule and delete the whole lot. However if that is the case you'll never read it so will never know so what the hell am I prattling on about.
Basically this is what I am thinking. At last I hear you cry.
This is the thing. Remember my book BTL? I've had some interest from agents and publishers but not enough to take it on. I got very excited when one of them was very excited but alas it was not to be. So my idea is, and trust me I am getting to the point, I am looking for one plucky volunteer to read it for me. An author of many books but who would not like to be identified said it was a "page turner" if that's any encouragement to volunteer. I would just like to know what one regular reader of fiction thinks about it.
If you are game for the challenge please contact me either via this blog or at colettemccormick@yahoo.co.uk
I realise that I am asking a lot and my finger keeps hovering over the delete button but no its been said so can't be taken back so I'm going to press publish before I change my mind.

I made these

Well technically I grew them but I made this

or at least I was when I took this photo. I meant to take another one of the finished product when it was cooked but I ate it before I remembered. I have to say it was very good.
So that's 2 more ticks off the list.

Is this Summer?

What a beautiful day. That's 3 in a row. Let's hope this isn't summer. It was lovely walking Zac this morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and there was the sound of a church bell ringing. It was idyllic until some dipstick drove about 80 mile an hour along the road with his dodgy exhaust fit to explode. I was going to do allsorts when I came back but so far I've done nothing but eat breakfast and read blogs etc.
Oh well, too hot to garden now and the ironing can keep. I'll be making Sunday lunch in a couple of hours though. No matter that you can fry eggs on the pavement, my men need their Sunday roast and Sunday wouldn't be Sunday without Yorkshire puddings.
I had my hair cut on Friday and there was a lot of it so I'm please I got rid of that before the weather got better. My hair thinned out after my treatment last year but now that its growing back its really thick and curly - a great insulator.
Zac is curled up in his favourite chair having a snooze after our walk. He looks very comfortable. I might take a leaf out of his book

Number 36 - tick

Number 36 on my fifty/50 list was to take this season's family fantasy football competition seriously. Well now that "this" season has become last season I can announce that I ticked that one off my list. I still came bottom of the league but at least I took it seriously.

Naughty Girl

I am a very very very bad blogger. Note to self - do not leave blog on its own in cyber space for so long again.
What's happened since the last time I was here? Well, I was offered the job that I applied for but I turned it down. Turns out that when it came to it my attachment to my current location was too strong. My boss was okay with it. She said she wasn't surprised and sometimes we need to do something that makes us realise how important something is to us. My assistant's not best chuffed though because she wants my job. Hey ho.
I've also been doing lots of writing with the pink pen. That means that there's lots of stuff written in notebooks that all needs to be typed up, edited, reworked etc. so must get on with that.
I had a "test for transplant" the other day. This one was for my heart and the technician said that everything looks fine but I guess I'll have to wait until I see me doctor to have that confirmed. Don't see him until June 4th.
Had a lovely birthday back in April so that's number 50 marked off the fifty/50 list .
The tax man sent me a letter telling me its time to fill in my tax return - is he having a laugh? I owe him about a fiver.
There's probably more but I can't remember it at the moment so I'll be back later. Right now, following a text message late yesterday afternoon from number 1 son inviting himself to lunch to celebrate the end of the football season and a dash to the butchers for  a bigger joint, I'm off to roast a pig.

Extensions etc

This might sound like a bit of a cop out but I have decided to extend my Fifty/50 year project by 4 months. That is pretty much the time that I was out of commission last year due to my kidney issue.
On a different front, I have applied for a new job, well its the same job really within the same organisation just in a different location. So maybe its not that exciting after all but its something that I wasn't thinking about this time last week or even as recently as 3 days ago. My boss suggested I apply for it on Thursday morning, I decided to do it on Friday and filled the form in this morning. However I'm perfectly happy where I am at the moment so it won't break my heart if I don't get it.
Also with the passing of another financial year I fear the Exchequer  will not be getting rich on what it gets from me.
So here's to new starts

A Mother' Day Wish

I have had such a lovely day. The nest was full and after lunch we just sat around chatting and laughing and it was great. There were times when I wondered if I would see today but I have and I am soooooo glad that I did.
Hope all you mother's out there had a good day too.

Did I really write that?

The other day I was rooting through my "writing drawer" looking for something when I came across several sheets of paper that had something written on them. I was in a rush to get to work but I was intrigued to know what it was so I tossed it in my bag and forgot about it. I remembered it yesterday evening when I was on dialysis so I pulled it out of my bag and read it.
It turned out to be a short story that I'd written God knows when I don't know why it never got any further than this rough draft but I actually liked what I wrote so I'm going to take it further now.
I also wrote a rough draft last night. It was a very rough draft mind so I'm not sure how that particular project is going to work out. Hey but at least I wrote something new.

Not a bad life.

What an absolutely glorious morning it is though I don't imagine its as warm as it looks. I think I'll still wrap up well when we take Zac for a walk.
Just had to say that because its how I felt when I opened the curtains.
And life's a bit like that now. These days I get a real joy out of a sunny day like this and I find that I appreciate the little things that this time last year I would have just taken for granted. I also catch myself dancing sometimes. Despite the fact that I have my health conditions that you all know about life is good and I feel blessed.
I posted the story that I was editing the other day so if Norah could see her way to accepting it I'd feel even better.

Two more ticks

I'm going to come up short completing the Fifty/50 list but I did tick off 2 more this week. Firstly I made pierogi and they were luscious. I was going to take a photo but they were eaten before I could get the camera. I could maybe take one of the ones that are in the freezer. And secondly I gave flowers to someone who wasn't expecting it. One of my volunteers has been a great help to me recently and I bought her flowers to say thank you. She was completely taken by surprise and her reaction was lovely.
I'm going to try and tick a few more off in the next month but the ones I miss I'll try and complete next year.

How could I forget?

How could I forget the joy of editing? Hope you're picking up the hint of sarcasm in that sentence. As usual my problem is knowing when to stop. I tweak and then I tweak some more and just for good measure I do it again. I've just had to force myself away from it and it will be off in the post either tomorrow or the day after.

And another apology

Okay, so after apologising for being a bad blogger its now been another 2 months since the last time I blogged.
I won't bore you all with the details but essentially I am no longer dialysing at home and will never be again. I am now going to the hospital three evenings a week after work and don't get home until at least 11.30pm so I've got yet another routine to get used to. I 'll have a while to get used to this one though as it should be like this until I get a transplant whenever that may be. Hopefully I'll be able to go on the list this summer.

Anyway, that wasn't the reason I came on. I'm not criticising myself because last year I had other things on my mind, but well to be honest my writing successes have been almost nil recently and I'd rather like that to change. So I'm going back to basics and writing like I used to when I had more success. However I've been out of touch with the short story world for a while and I just wondered what was new out there and what's been happening.

Also if anyone has any tips on how to regain my mojo, I'd love too hear them

Apologies from a bad blogger

I knew it had been a while but I was appalled to find that its over two months since I've been here. Poor neglected blog. However, I am going to try and start making amends right now.
Since we last spoke I've been busy doing not a lot really. I am now doing my dialysis at home which has involved a new routine which does mean that I don't visit cyber space as often which is good in one way because it means that I deal with the real world but also results in blogs becoming neglected. After a few teething problems that seems to be sorted now and so far so good. I'm no longer going to the hospital three times a week and I returned to work full time the week before Christmas.
Ah Christmas, I missed all that in blogland too. The day itself was a bit of a wash out for me because I'd picked up a sickness bug but I still had a good time and it was lovely to have all my menfolk round the same table at the same time. I saw in the New Year in bed hooked up to my dialysis machine watching the fireworks over the Thames with a glass of brandy in my hand. It doesn't sound very much but I actually enjoyed it and I was full of optimism for the new year which hopefully will be better than the last one.
As for writing, I've done a couple of first drafts but nothing really serious. My new routine and going back to work properly has taken a bit of getting used to but its getting better day by day.
I've also ticked another couple of things off my list

I've packed up a couple of boxes of dog food for  the rescue home. They haven't gone yet because Himself won't let me take them on my own because he's scared that I'll come back with another dog.

This was the other thing that I did - I had a pint. At the time that I did it, that pint was half of me daily fluid allowance but it was so worth it. I wanted to have a pint because it was something that used to horrify my mother and it was my way of saying I'm a grown up now and I can do what I want. Strange thing is when I told Mum what I'd done she just asked if I enjoyed it. Mothers eh!!!
That's all that's coming to mind at the moment but if I think of anything else I'll be back.
Bye for now,
x

The (not so ) lovely Guido

As promised, here is my guy who raised almost £40 for hos (my) chosen charity.
Go Guido!!!

Wasn't kidding was I when I said he wasn't much of a looker.

Go Guido

My guy has been sitting at work fr the last week or so and he's raised about £30 which I am pretty pleased about. I took a picture of him but I haven't downloaded it yet but when I do he will be appearing in all his glory right here. I have to warn you though, he isn't a looker but that is part of his charm.

I tried to explain the tradition of Bonfire Night to an American friend earlier today and it reminded me of the time I tried to tell her about cricket. The last I heard she was going to Google The Gunpowder Plot.

As a side note, I had my operation to get the Tenckhoff line inserted this week. It apparently went well though it may be after Christmas before its used. I didn't enjoy being in hospital and was glad that I was only there for two nights.

Two more ticks and other stuff

Two more things were ticked off the Fifty/50 list this week. Firstly I wore a dress yesterday. I meant ti have a photo taken wearing it but I forgot. I kid you not though - I did wear it and what's more I liked it. I may do it more often. Secondly I finished my guy and he'll be going to work with me tomorrow. I have to be honest he's not a good looking fella but for a first (and probably only attempt) I'm quite pleased.
On a different note, I have to be honest and admit that I haven't done a lot of writing while I've been off work even though the intention was there. At first I was too weak and it took all my energy just keeping awake and then later when I got stronger I spent too much time thinking. That's the problem with having a lot of time on your hands you have a lot of opportunity for thinking - mainly about what life has thrown at you and to be honest that's not been a good exercise. It occurred to me the other day that until I am able to return to work properly which will hopefully be around Christmas time I need to fill my time with something other than thinking. So, I've been working on a couple of new short stories. One is finished and waiting to be edited and the other one is just waiting until I come up with a suitable ending. I know what I want o say just not how to say it. I've also made myself a writing "to do" list which will hopefully focus my mind and also give me something to refer to if I find myself dwelling on stuff.
I have to go back into hospital next week for an operation which will allow me to dialyse at home until such a time as my kidneys start working again or I get a transplant. I don't particularly want to dialyse at home, I don't want to do it at all but its what's keeping me alive so c'est la vie. I don't enjoy going to the hospital 3 times a week though so hopefully it will be worth it.

A lovely weekend and a couple of ticks.

I've been married 31 years today and usually we are way for our anniversary but given that we had the big splurge in Paris in April for that big birthday of mine (well that and the fact that I still have to go to hospital 3 times a week for dialysis) we were going t give it a miss this year. However, my lovely husband booked us a weekend away in a log cabin near Saltburn in North Yorkshire and we were there at the weekend. Its not a vast distance from home (just an hour or so) but it was far enough to be "away" but close enough "just in case". And what a wonderful weekend we had.

I was surprised to find that the cabin was actual wood - I though it was just an effect but no it was an actual log cabin. These beautiful creatures wandered randomly through the grounds which was lovely but a bit of a shock when we woke up to the sound of them walking in the roof one morning. The blue dresses belong to a couple of bridesmaids from a wedding that was being held in the hotel that was also in the grounds.

We took Zac with us and he had a wonderful time playing in the beach and walking through the parks and woodland. He also had a lot of fun digging holes in the sand.

I also got the chance to tick another couple of things off my Fifty/50 list. I thoroughly enjoyed my 99 even though the wind was playing havoc with my hair. I should point out that even though this picture makes it look like I'm shoving it into my chin I was actually capturing the strawberry sauce that was dripping off the pointy top of my Mr Whippy ice-cream.

The other thing I got to do was paddle in the sea.

Zac also enjoyed the paddling though he was braver than me and went in a lot further than I did.

I didn't get to throw my message in a bottle into the sea though because the tide always seemed to be coming in when we were at the beach and I didn't want it landing on the same beach that it was launched from.

A lovely day and half a tick

I had a lovely day out with Himself yesterday (happy birthday to him for today BTW) and I even managed half a tick on my Fifty/50 list.
I bought a dress!! Yes that's right, there is a dress hanging in my wardrobe. I was going to take a picture of it but to be honest it looks better on than on the hanger so maybe I'll have a picture taken when I'm wearing it.
Following some good advice from some of you via comments to my previous post I'm going to look into joining a critique group so if anyone can recommend one I'd love to hear about it.

Stuff

Going through one of my folders that contain stories that are not quite finished I found two stories that I had completely forgotten about.
They both have the same central character and the plan was that they would be the start of a series. I suspect that they are both still sitting in that folder because I didn't know which magazine to pitch them at. I'll have to give it some thought because I really like them.
I've also just given BTL another outing at an agency. I wish that I could get someone to read the whole thing, I don't know if its just me because I have read the first three chapters a thousand times but they don't excite me as much as they used to but when I read the rest of it recently I loved it.
All I want is for one person (other than me) to read the whole thing.
On a different note, Himself and I are having our first day "out" since April and I am terribly excited at the prospect.

A good day

It was a good day yesterday.
Yeah my dog walking clothes are clearly too big for me and my hair is a mess but this is me yesterday walking my lovely dog Zac in the woods near where we live and that is something that I haven't been able to do since May.
I used to love walking him and not doing so has been one of the things that I missed the most. I've walked with him and my Better Half along the road a couple of times but this was the first "proper" walk. That was a couple of miles and hopefully today I will add a mile onto that and make it to the bench to see the sheep.
Just to make the outing perfect Zac made some new friends.

38 - tick

Number 38 on "The List" has now turned red. I made bread from scratch with my own hands and here is the photograph to prove it. I don't think Messrs' Warburton and Allison have anything to worry about.

Link to stories

Two my stories are now on the Alfie Dog website and can be found here if anyone is interested.

Dancing Queen

Remember her? Well yesterday afternoon I was dancing around my kitchen and it felt soooooooo good. Things must be looking up.

Okay so "dancing" might be stretching it because my feet didn't move a lot just in case I fell over but the top half of my body was a moving and a grooving.

Also, I'm finally going back to work in 2 weeks time. I'm just going to do a couple of hours a day a couple of days a week but at least its a start.

So what?

So what if my kidneys still aren't working? My fingers are.
It occurred to me in the early hours of this morning that its been too long since I did any writing so needless to say that is going to change. Life is still pretty rubbish health wise at the minute so why not concentrate on something that I enjoy.
So with that in mind I set about a couple of projects that have been on my mind this morning and instantly felt better. I even did a bit of editing and resubmitted an article.

Number 5 - tick

There's another off my Fifty/50 list. Number 5 has gone that is to read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.
It was hard reading at times but I'm glad that I went through it. Its just sad that we don't learn from history but I guess it was ever thus. The Native Americans were treated appallingly but sadly they aren't the only indigenous people to have suffered that way.
I've just checked and so far I've only ticked 7 things off the list so I am a bit behind schedule though I hope that I'll be able to pick up some of the leeway. Given that I was out of commission for the best part of 3 months though I'll forgive myself for that. Maybe some of the things like visiting that historical sight near my home will have to be put off till next year as I think it closes next month for the winter and I doubt I'll be up to a visit before then. Oh well.

Number 16

So there's another one off the list.

Number 16 "to tweet" has been ticked off the list. It wasn't very exciting but if I waited for that I'd be waiting a long time. For anyone who is interested my words of wisdom they can be found here.

A productive morning

One of the good things (the only good thing) about my So is that I can't do vast amounts of housework etc. so it gives me time to sit at the laptop doing whatever it is that I want to  do without feeling guilty that I'm not cleaning the windows or something.  Well am I feeling smug?
So far today I have submitted an article to an online publisher that has used some of my stuff before, submitted an article to a print magazine editor who says that they like my writing style and sent my signed contract back to Alfie Dog so that the stories that they accepted can go live ASAP. Added to that I have also filled in my tax return. I earned next to nothing from writing last year but the good old taxman still wanted his pound of flesh. Yes well he's got it because I paid it online so that's me done with him for another year.
A productive morning I would say. However there is a small pile of ironing that I want to do. God love him, my much loved Better Half kept house and home together while I was in hospital but the ironing pile was the height of Mount Kilimanjaro. It'll be all done today though.

The real me.

I make no apologies for the drawing above. I'm more of a writer than an artist and for those that can't make out what on earth it is, it is a woman and she is dancing. Her arms and legs are all over the place but she is dancing. As it says above her head she is "carefree."

Let me explain.



During my time in critical care I had to have an ECCO cardiogram which is basically an ultrasound exam on you heart. As the technician was doing her stuff I looked at the monitor and this is what I saw. No I am not mad, I saw a woman dancing in my heart in a carefree manner. Her arms and legs were flying all over  the place to the beat of my heart and as I was tachycardic at the time there were lots of beats.
The thing is that I love to dance but don't. I might have the occasional wiggle around the kitchen when I'm cooking but that's it. But seeing this woman in my heart I realised that she is me. Somehow and I know I'm not making sense here but she represents me or rather what I want to be.
The drawing was done while I was still in ICCU on the only bit of paper that I could find while I was still on oxygen so please take that into account before you mock it. Having said that I am a carefree dancing woman so what do I care?

Preparing for number 16

Number 16 on my Fifty50 list (which I haven't given up on despite recent events) was to tweet. I've set up the account "@pinkpenwrites" but that's it so far. I need to
a) work out what the hell @'s,#'s and other random symbols mean
and
b) what I'm going to say. I didn't say that I'd be a regular tweeter just that I'd do it so if its a one off I want it to be profound.
Watch this space - I hope its worth it.

The novice I really am

I have a question and I know it's going to make me look an absolute novice but why not eh because that's what I am. I don't know the answer to this but I know that one of you will so I'd really appreciate the help.
I have a story that an editor has accepted "subject to the changes marked on the attached." The "attached" referred to is the story that I sent them. It has been returned with red marks on saying this word deleted or that word changed etc. My question is do I change the things marked and return it to them or will they do it?

Buzz

I felt the buzz of acceptance this morning and I have to say that it feels rather nice.
I've had 2 stories accepted by Alfie Dog which is an online publisher. Its a new one for me but everything is new to us all at some time.
There are a few formalities to be gone through but when the story is live I will link to it.

That List and other random catch up stuff.

Remember my Fifty50 list? The one of the 50 things that I wanted to do when I was 50.Well the last 8/9 weeks have put a dent in it and I thought I'd just have a look at it to refresh the memory. When I wrote number 50 which goes along the lines of  living the whole 365 days it was a bit of a joke. Yeah well you better believe that I'm looking at that in a whole different light now. Anyway, haven't given up on the list but I am a bit behind.
And to other stuff. After getting out of hospital and feeling well enough to attack to mountain of unopened emails I discovered that I had finally heard back from the editor who had had some fiction of mine for a while. Sadly the reply was a negative but that was okay because I had given up on it anyway. However there was also one from an editor who had read some sample articles of mine and said that they liked my style and would like me to write something for them and another email that said that I had sold an article that I had completely forgotten about. A bit of a mixed bag really.
Since coming out of hospital apart from thrice weekly trips back for dialysis I am working on getting stronger. I am doing a bit more every day and getting there slowly. I have also edited a chunk of BTL and submitted 3 short stories.
I asked myself why I was doing that because given what I've been through I wondered if writing/ earing a living as a writer is that important to me. Well earning a living from it isn't because I gave up on that pipe dream years ago. Now I write for fun, because it pleases me and because I enjoy the thrill I get when I have a piece accepted. So yes it is important to me because it makes me happy. As for BTL well I've put a lot of blood sweat and tears (no I haven't) into it and I would like to have it read by other people. I think what I am trying to say in this jumbled mixed up way that my brain seems to be working in at the moment is that if something is important to you or there is something that you want to do you should do it now while you can because you have no idea how long "now" will last. Do it - whatever it is - before its too late.
I also thought about filling in last years tax return but didn't bother. So much for practicing what I preach eh? No that was for things that you want to do. Not that I'm going to bother the chap from HMRC much given my paltry earnings last year but they are what they are and paying the bit extra that I might owe him gives me the moral high ground over Philip Green and all the rest that fiddle their taxes one way or another so its worth it to me.
Other than that I have nothing to report so here endeth the catch up before it becomes waffle.

And there's more

Some of you may have noticed more radio silence. That's because less than 48 hours after my last post I was back in hospital. To cut a very long story short I got a lung infection that put me in critical care for 2 weeks followed by 2 weeks on a ward recuperating.

I'm not going to dwell on the details but I have had a lot of thinking time which may well in the future provoke a lot of posts.

Without meaning to sound melodramatic, even though I maybe wasn't aware of it at the time, I was very seriously ill (yeah I know the fact that I was in critical care should have given the game away but somehow it didn't) and that sort of puts a new perspective on life. 

I now realise how tenuous our hold is on it. One minute you're here, the next......you know the rest. Without any rhyme reason or explanation I went from being what I thought was a perfectly healthy (apart from a cold and a bit arthritis) 50 year old to what I am 8 weeks later which is a body that is 3 stone lighter than it was then, that needs a stick to get upstairs and a sit down when it gets there and dialysis 3 times a week.

Hopefully all of this is temporary. The weakness is due to muscle waste and gradually as I move around more and get stronger that should improve, I could have done with the weight off but this is not a diet I would recommend and with any luck my kidneys will start functioning at least enough to get off dialysis.

I know what's real now. I know what's important.

Explanation for radio silence

The last time we spoke it was Friday 24th May and I was hoping to return to the day job. Yeah well that was wishful thinking.

The following Wednesday I went or the blood tests that the doctor wanted and on the Thursday I got a call asking me to go to the surgery and I didn't see home for 13 days.

The doctor said my blood had shown some unusual things and sent me to a clinic attached to a hospital about 20 miles away. I had to go there and then. Once there they did more blood tests, chest x-rays, ECG's etc and a few hours later they told me I was being admitted to the hospital. The following day I was transferred by ambulance with flashing lights to another hospital about another 20 miles away. I had no idea what was wrong with me at that stage and to be honest they was I was feeling I didn't care where I was or what anyone wanted to do to me. Doctors were telling me things but I couldn't take it in.

Turns out that I was in the hospital I was in because of its specialist renal unit and I was there because I had had acute renal failure and my kidneys had completely stopped working.

In the past two weeks I have undergone plasma exchanges, blood transfusions and lots of dialysis.

I have to have at least another 2 weeks of dialysis three times a week and then they will decide if I need another dose of a chemotherapy drug that could make my hair fall out. Did I forget to mention the chemotherapy drug? Highly unpleasant. Anyway the doctors say that they doubt the kidneys will recover to their former standard but they are hopeful that they might return to  enough of a level to be able to come off dialysis.

My life now centres around how much urine I can make and I'm sure you're glad that I shared that nugget of information with you.

Another one off the list

On Monday Himself and I had to go out on a mission that only death would have kept me from. How's that for drama? Anyway on the way back to the car we stopped off to but Number Two Son a birthday and as we walked through the department store Himself said "they remind me of the red shoes you used to have." Just to refresh your memory I have only ever had one pair of red shoes before and I was wearing them the day we met.

 

 

I suppose they are a grown up version of the ones I used to have, they are certainly better made. The originals were a bit like what an Indian Squaw would wear and were a bit on the cheap side. So I have my red shoes. They weren't quite what I had in mind but when Himself had made that comment they seemed the right ones to get. Anyway, after what's happened to me in the last week it maybe is just sensible shoes for me.

Illness update

Happy to report that I am feeling a bit better, well more than a bit actually but I don't want to hex it.
Saw my own GP on Tuesday, well to be honest it was a woman I've never seen before but that's hardly surprising as I haven't had to see a doctor for 18 years. I digress, I saw my GP on Tuesday and after reading the other doctor's report and after her own examination she said that she thought I had Strep Throat as well as pharyngitis which would explain the muscle problems. By that time you see it had become clear that it was the muscles rather than the joints that were affected and that it wasn't just my legs. So I have to carry on with the course of medication and go back for a battery of blood tests and God knows what else next Wednesday.
I hope to return to the day job on Saturday.

Not on the list and another first

Okay so I have been 50 for a month ( and 4 days) and I have something that is not and would never have been on my Fifty50 List? What's that you ask - arthritis I reply.
According to the doctor, who was perfectly lovely at such an ungodly hour on a Sunday morning, the problems with my ankles and knees is down to arthritis and the reason that it has suddenly become much worse it that the cartilage has finally gone and bone is rubbing on bone. Doesn't that sound nice? Anyway he is fairly certain that it isn't a clot because the pain isn't in my calves but just to be on the safe side I'll need to see my GP to organise an x-ray. I'll also need blood tests to check that my kidney and liver function are okay. I know that I won't be in pain all the time and I guess I'll just have to find a way of managing it. As for that "cold" that has been lingering, turns out it is a pharyngeal infection and I have anti-biotics for that.
As for my other first. Well the good doctor that he wants me to spend 4-5 days resting with my legs elevated so I should "self cert" this week. I've never done that before.

A 1(11)st

I didn't come out from under the weather I'm afraid - I went further and further under it. Now as well as the cold my ankles and knees are swollen and I can't walk very well. I short of shuffle around the place and haul my not inconsiderable weight up the stairs using the handrail. It's just a matter of time until it comes off.
I don't go to the doctor because I'm normally a healthy person but Himself begged me to try and get an appointment because he was worried about me. However after the night I've had I couldn't even wait for that and for the first time ever I have called 111. The 2 people I spoke to at 5.30 on a Sunday morning were delightful but I think the bloke might have over reacted when he wanted to send paramedics. After a second opinion it was decided I need to go to Urgent Care and was given the appointment of 1pm. Ten minutes later the nurse rang back and said that she was worried about my bouts of breathlessness which I said I thought were caused by the whole hauling the legs around thing but she said you can't be too sure. So now I have to go at 8am which isn't a problem for me because I've been up most of the night but Himself might not be so happy about the early get up.
I'll keep you all posted.

Coming out from under the weather.

Which is where I have spent most of the week.
The early part of the week was hampered by a cold that only manifested itself during the evening. I'd be okay during the day apart from the odd cough and sneeze but by 8pm my head would be banging and I'd be raging hot and freezing cold at the same time.
On Wednesday evening I thought that my shoulder hurt a bit, then later I thought it hurt a lot and by 3am Thursday I was sitting in bed sobbing with pain. Himself was on nights so I only had the dog for comfort who, being male, didn't know what to do with a crying woman. He did lick my tears away which was very sweet. Anyway by 6am I couldn't lift my arm from my side. The nature of my day job means that I am prone to damaged muscles in my arms so its not the first time its happened to me but its certainly the worst. After a day of light arm exercises, application of heat and ice plus a muscle rub and a hot bath the arm was "okay" by Friday morning and fine by lunchtime. Phew! Amputation not required.
Then yesterday (Saturday) my cold was with me all day and I felt like the dog's doodahs all day, all evening and most of the night. However I woke at 7am feeling much better hence my claim that I am coming out from under the weather.
Got there in the end eh!
I haven't felt totally well since I got back from Paris if I'm honest but hopefully this is a sign of things picking up. I haven't done any writing since then but hopefully I might actually be able to put pen to paper this week. Seems like ages since I wrote anything new, I must do something - anything.
Just thought I would share my misery with you.
Happy Sunday.

: ; ?

The colon and the semi colon, oh how I wish I knew what you were all about?
I studied English to A level but I don't ever remember being taught what they were for or where to use them.
Now that I am of an age where I don't mind admitting when I don't know something I'm admitting it. There, I've said it, I don't know what they are for.
Can anyone help me please?

A funny thing happened....

..to me this morning.
Picture the scene  - early morning (6.25am), overcast and a bit chilly. I am suitably dressed in a bright yellow fleece fastened up to my neck and my hair isn't combed because who the hell am I going to see at that time in the morning. Zac is attired in his harness (he's a puller) and lead and with Frisbees at the ready we leave the house and I lock the door. Upon turning to leave the house who or rather what should I see strolling along the street but a policeman, a bobby on the beat if you will.
He rightly says that I might be surprised to see him on his beat this early which I confirm is the truth and he says that he is trying to catch people who allow their dogs to foul the pavement. He accepts that the pavements where we are, are very clean but says that there is a problem in another part of the village.
I assure him that at this time in the morning he is unlikely to see anybody apart from me and maybe the bloke that lives around the corner who will be walking his dog in the field at the end of the street or down by the river.
Before leaving he tells me that if I have a problem to ring 101 and ask for him.
My son thinks it was someone having a laugh on his way home from a fancy dress party and to be honest I'm not sure he's wrong.

Number 29

I started to put money into a bottle today (number 29 on my list)  and when its full I'm going to find a charity and give it to them. When I came up with this idea it seemed so simple but it isn't. Apart from a milk bottle (can you still get them?) it is really hard to find a bottle where the top is wide enough to get through. The first two bottles I found were way too small but then I found this one.



Sadly though for the poor so and so that has to count them when its full you can only fit 1p's and 5p's in it.



Beyond excited

As stated in the title, I am beyond excited with w recent acquisition.
I have said on many an occasion that one of my favourite authors is Ed McBain a.k.a. Evan Hunter. My love of Mr McBain started after I read "Ghosts"  many years ago. Its a book set in a fictional city about a group of detectives that work there. What sets these books apart for me is the dialogue. Ed wrote great dialogue. Coming across Ed McBain books is an easy enough thing to do especially for someone who works in the charity retail sector and I have a large collection of them. However books written as Evan Hunter is a different kettle of fish entirely. There aren't many of them and they are not so easy to find and in the 12 years I've been doing the job we've only had a few pass through our hands. They are completely different to the books written by his alto ego but the two I have read in the past have been compelling reading. Santa brought me a third which I haven't read yet and yesterday Himself found me another two one of which is "The Blackboard Jungle." I cannot describe how happy I was.
I was going to try to read "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" (again) after I've finished reading the book after the one I'm reading at the moment but that may have been postponed a week or two.

Coming home

I don't know why I did it but I did but now I've changed my mind so I've stopped it. How many of you read that sentence more than once before you made sense of it?
Basically as I have mentioned more than once I have a Fifty50 plan i.e. a list of 50 things that I want to do in my 50th year and I was blogging about it in a different place. However I never really felt the love for that other place. This is my blog. This is where I feel comfortable. So from now on I'll tell you about everything "me" (be it Fifty50 related or not) here.
The first 13 days are recorded on the link at the top of the page but anything new will be here on my blogging home.
Oh and the list, you know "the list"  can be viewed on the link by the same name at the top of the page and the ones in red are the things that I have done. Okay, I'm over explaining now so I'm going to shut up.

Experimental relaxation.

I've ticked another thing off my Fifty50 list so I'm feeling good about that.  I've also tackled a but more of BTL so that's good too. Thought I'd mention it here because I appear to be talking to myself over there but that's okay because it won't be the first time.
I made an experimental (for me) cake today - Sultana and apple. It was actually delicious actually much to Zac's annoyance. He's partial to a bit of cake but he's due at the vets for his annual check up in the next week or so he's watching what he eats. Well no to be honest he'd eat cake for breakfast dinner and tea but we are watching what he eats. When we got him as a emaciated one year old who had lived off scraps from a pub we soon discovered how much he loved bread and cakes and five years later he's still the same.
I love to bake on my day off - it is so relaxing.

WN?

I'm just checking. Was it May that Jill from WN said that she'd be accepting new submissions from? I have a couple outstanding with her but I've given up on them - I fear that the rejections may have gone to my spam folder when I was having trouble with my email - but I have another one that I think might interest her.
Would appreciate the any help.

Not again!

One of the things on my list for this year is to "find a publisher for BTL even if its me" or words to that effect. Now as many of you will know BTL and I have enjoyed or is it endured a long relationship which has involved, amongst other things, more than one re-write. Well whatever is going to happen to it, it needs to be gone through one more time and I chose today to start that task. But the thought of reading through those first few chapters filled me with dread. I've read them a thousand times.
I started this task a couple of months ago but became a bit side tracked when the Paris trip came over the horizon. I had changed the MC's "voice" a little so I knew that I would have to go through it again just to get a feel for what I had changed but I wasn't looking forward to it.
I know that when I get past the first few chapters it'll be okay because they are the chapters that I know so well having almost polished them to death but once I get further into the book I think that it will be like reading a new book because while I remember how it ends I don't remember exactly how we got there.
I'm looking forward to that.

Unexpected find.

I decided to do a bit of de-cluttering while I was running the bath and tidy up a corner of the bedroom. There, amongst the birthday cards that I've bought in advance and want to keep and the junk that needed throwing away I came across an article that I wrote God knows when. It reads a bit like an advert if I'm honest but I think that I can probably do something with it after a bit of tweaking.
Result.

Reality calling

My other blog seems to be taking its time inspiring anyone to visit it on a regular basis but at least over here I know for the most part that I'm not talking to myself so here goes.
Arrgghh!
As I have said many times before I treat this blog as a conversation and when something has been said it can't be unsaid but please ignore that first sentence and the wallowing that it involved.
I have to go back to the real world tomorrow after a wonderful week celebrating my 50th birthday (don't know but I might have mentioned that before) and to be honest I'm not looking forward to it. I have enjoyed a week of complete wonderfulness and to be honest the mundane just isn't so appealing.
The worst part of my day job is wondering what I am going back to after a week off. Hopefully things will have gone according to the plan I left but that's not always the case.
One of the things on that list in the other place is to get the pink pen out more and I did come up with a title last night. Not quite sure what or where I could apply it yet but I'll give it some thought. I don't need to tell any of you how weird it is when something, an idea just pops into your head. I still find it weird though. Where do they come from?
The weather's not so nice today not that that stops Zac from wanting go for a walk so that'll be on the agenda for this morning. In fact here is a picture of the lovely Zac for no other reason than he is lovely.

 

That particular Frisbee is long gone but he does have a fine collection so maybe we'll take one on our walk. After that I have a family lunch to cook, I mean Sunday is Sunday after all and there has to be a roast. Maybe after that I'll fit in a bubble bath and probably manage to choke down a bottle of wine tonight. Not a bad way to spend the last day away from reality.

Actually by 10 o'clock tomorrow I know I'll be fine but its just the thought of it that makes me squirm.

Sorry for the moan and thanks for listening.

Officially 50

Okay so I am officially 50 and do you know what it feels great. You can read all about what I was bursting about if you click on the Fifty50 link at the top of this page which will take you to my other blog. I'll give you a clue though.

However now that I am back I feel focused and raring to go.

Almost at bursting point

I am bursting with excitement because Himself has come up with a wonderful way to celebrate that big birthday that I have tomorrow. I'm not going to mention it here because I don't want to hex it but needless to say more will follow here and in that other place that you can access should you wish to via the Fifty50 link at the top of the page. Incidentally I haven't provided that link yet so I hope I can do it. Okay I'm gabbling now and that is because of my excitement so I'm going to go before I burst and make a mess of the screen.
See you all in a few days.

Lists, boots and Spring on the way.

First things first, my Fifty50 list i.e. the 50 things that I want to do in when I'm 50 is ready and if you want to you can view it here.
And now onto things pink pen related. It occurred to me today that one of the first things that I ever tried to get published was a children's story. This was about 35 years ago and the editor said that it was a lovely story that was written well but that it lacked danger and children liked danger. It was a story about a plastic duck as I recall. I have always hankered after writing children's stories because I think its important that they read although to be honest the stuff that I write is aimed more at the being read to at bedtime market. Anyway nothing ever did come of that story but I'm sure if I look hard enough I'll still have a copy somewhere (reference the list about hoarding). Then I started thinking about a children's story that I wrote a couple of years ago which when I sent to editors was met with a similar response. Editors said that they liked the writing but didn't take it on. The trouble wasn't that this one lacked danger but that its length didn't fit into the right slot. I've been thinking a lot about that story and maybe I'll see if I can do anything with it. If they were ever to be published I would want to use the name Sarah Maye which was my paternal grandmother's name and I love it so it would be great to see it sitting on a book shelf.
Other than that I wore a pair of shoes to work for the first time since September which was a pleasure. Not that I've been going barefoot because I haven't, no that would be silly, it has been boot weather since then both because of the cold and the snow. Today however it looked like Spring might be on the way. Hoorah!!!

A lovely day.

I have had a truly lovely day and as its to do with my Fifty50 project you can read all about it here. I have to be honest, I'm not doing much writing at the moment but I will get down to some in a couple of weeks time.

Cats, pheasants and the return of the pen.

I was thinking earlier on (hence the headache) and trying to work out what has gone wrong so to speak. As I mentioned in a previous post I have had nothing published in the last 12 months and I wondered why. I've never been a prolific writer in terms of what I've had published but there's usually the odd thing to my name, so why not last year?
Well the simple truth is that I didn't write a lot which will explain it. But I think the problem for me has been that what I did write I wrote without the aid of the pink pen - I typed it straight onto my laptop. Maybe that has contributed to my downfall though actually I wasn't very far up the ladder so it hasn't been much of a descent. Before I always wrote in long hand with my pink pen and then used the typing process as an editing stage to change things along the way and it worked for me. I can't remember why I changed that habit but I shall try adopting it again. In fact, I already have. I got the pink pen and a pad out this morning and jotted down 100 words or so as I was having tea and toast for breakfast. Its the start of a Christmas story. Yes I know its only April (already?)but these things have to be submitted well in advance and to be fair it is so cold and even still a bit snowy here that it feels a bit like Christmas anyway.
On a different note I saw a dead cat when I went for milk this morning and it was horrible. It was in  the side of the road and I tried ringing the council who are apparently the people to ring in this situation but it being Easter Monday there was no one there. I thought if taking it to a vet but it was way beyond a vet's help and to be honest I don't think I could have scooped it all up. Poor kitty. And if that wasn't bad enough a few hundred yards further down the road a flamin' pheasant wandered into the road. Luckily (for both of us) it wasn't on my side of the road and I had seen it well in advance which gave me a chance to slow down and stop to wait for it tp make up its mind what it was going to do. The bloke behind me wasn't happy though - I thought his hand was stuck on the horn.
Oh well back to pen and paper. I guess I'm old fashioned but I make no apology for that.

Bring on the sun.

I don't know if its the weather, my age, the pressure of the day job or maybe a combination of them all but I feel so lethargic at the moment.
I want to write something new but my daily window of opportunity for writing comes at a time of the day when I am absolutely shattered and I can't think straight. I used to find time to write and it wasn't in the time slot I now have so I'm trying to remember who I did it.
Its not just writing though, everything seems a bit of a chore at the moment.
Maybe it'll be easier when it gets warm again - if it ever does. I am so sick of this weather.

Reality Blog Award

Thanks to Anne for nominating me for this award






The award is lovely as are the rules which are nice and short;

The rules are -  visit the person of the blog who nominated you and link to them on your post. Answer the questions, nominate more bloggers and let them know.

1. If you could change one thing, what would it be?
Men would have to keep their shirts on in the street during the summer - in fact all year round. I know I'd miss out on the odd (very odd) Adonis but at least I'd be spared the sight of rolls upon rolls of tattooed flab.

2. If you could repeat an age, what would it be
My early twenties so that I could relive the days when my sons were small.

3. What one thing really scares you?
Something dreadful happening to my sons.

 

4. If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?
A first class passenger on the Titanic as long as it was a day between 10th and 13th April 1912. If it was the 14th we would hit the iceberg late at night and if it was the 15th we'd sink in the early hours so I wouldn't fancy either of those days thank you very much.

I'm supposed to nominate people for this award but I always struggle to choose just a few and besides, I know a few of you already have it so without wishing to cop out I nominate anyone who hasn't received it yet.